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Funny Status |
| if u liked my profile , raise up ur hands. if not , raise ur standard..!!! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Love your job but don't love your Company because you may not know when your company stops loving you. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Kisses spread germs and germs are hated.....so kiss me baby!! I'm vacinated!!!!!!!!! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience... |
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Nice Status |
| like a fallen star u fel into my life.u made me smile wen thingz werent rite..if hugz were water id send u the c.n sail away 4eva jus u n me.....! |
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Nice Status |
| its bit easy to say ''i M wat i M !''.... bt as same, bit difficult to prove it...!! |
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Nice StatusĀ |
| ā i read somewhere ''people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do nothing....! |
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Nice StatusĀ |
| Death is not d greatest loss in life....... d greastest loss is wen relationship dies inside us wen we r alive |
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Nice StatusĀ |
| Smile a while and while you smile, smile another smile and soon there will be miles and miles of smile just because you smiled, I wish your day is full of SMILE |
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Nice StatusĀ |
| True relationships don't need efforts to be maintained , if they need ,they were never true |
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Nice StatusĀ |
| Trying To Forget Someone You Love Alot frm Bottom Of Ur HEART.. Is Like trying To Remember Someone You Never Met. |
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Nice StatusĀ |
| MaNy NiTeS i'Ve CrIeD fRoM tHe ThInGs U dO, fElT lYkE i cOulD dIe FrOm ThE tHoUgHt Of LoSiNg YoU..... |
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Nice StatusĀ |
| I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.!! |
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Cool status |
| Once you have love in your heart & Holy Spirit within you. No one can stop you. |
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Cool status |
| To live life is to live fearlessly.when u hv nothing to hide, u hv nithing to avoid..so live transperent. life......A open book... |
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Cool status |
| My gr8tst fear is not my WEAKNESS..Its my strength I FEAR most...M not afraid of DARkness...M afraid of my LyT which d world cant SustAIn..... |
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Cool status |
| Popularity is the easiest thing in the world to gain and it is the hardest thing to hold. |
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Cool status |
| I love you more today than I did yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorow...!!!! |
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Cool status |
| Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink. |
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Clever Status |
| Why are you reading my status? hmmm? seriously? you don't have anything else to do? get a life people!!! I'm not that interesting!! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| What do you call a sick eagle? Illegal. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| My neighbor obviously doesn`t watch porn. She asked me to come fix her sink, I been here for an hour and i`m still fixing the damn sink. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| primary source of income: when my mom gives me money to buy something and doesnāt ask for the change back |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| *listens to ābig girls dont cryā while crying* *cries even more because now Iāve also disappointed Fergie* |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| "hey since youāre up can u-" *sits down* |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| A committee is twelve men doing the work of one |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| My parents accused me of being a liar. I looked them straight in the eye and said, "Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause..." & walked away like a boss. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| If skinny people go skinny dipping, what do fat people do? The chunky dunk??? |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I don`t see why everybody wants the white iPhone, everyone knows the black one runs faster. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Why couldn`t the ghost get a drink at the bar? They don`t serve SPIRITS! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I`d participate in more blind taste tests if they didn`t always scream & hit me with their canes while I`m licking them. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| He thought he was clever because his blood test results said A+. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| "Being green, easy it is not." --Yoda training Kermit |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Girl messes up guy`s hair = cute. Guy messes up girl`s hair = death. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| If you don`t have skinny genes, don`t wear skinny jeans. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I`m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| my least favorite animals are children |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| That Moment when your 6-yr old pretends she`s all grown up and takes charge of setting the table |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| #thatmoment when you`re walking in the middle of walmart & private parts begin to itch. Why then? Why not in the car? |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Hate when i loose something and my parents says "well i guess u didnt care about it enough" like you`ve lost me in a grocery store before so |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Can`t trust a bitch who lets the microwave hit 0, she doesn`t care about her life...she probably jumps on the lava part of the floor too. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| My neighbor obviously doesn`t watch porn. She asked me to come fix her sink, I been here for an hour and i`m still fixing the damn sink. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| "I wasn`t that drunk!" Dude you walked up to a truck and whisper "I know your secret..... Optimus Prime" |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Twenty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don`t let Kevin Bacon die. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I`m a huge fan of 50 Cent or as he`s known in Zimbabwe.. Four hundred million dollars |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Forgetting to bring your phone to the toilet when you`re going to poop is like forgetting to bring a gun to war. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Me: "Hurry, give me a shoe to kill the spider!" *Friend gives me my shoe* "No BITCH not MY shoe!" |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Every time i see a hitch-hiker i just pretend that they`re trying to tell me i`m doing a great driving job. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Cats have 32 muscles in each ear to help them ignore the shit out of you. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Do you serve woman at this bar? No sir, you must bring your own. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| "I wasn`t THAT drunk!" Dude, you were running circles around my car screaming "WHICH SEAT CAN I TAKE!?!?" |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| You`re such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship & there was only one life jacket... I`d miss you a lot & think of you often. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| me: itās too hot me: *opens window* *in comes 20 flies, 8 spiders, 17 daddy long legs, 50 moths, 3 dragons and 12 Jehovahās witnesses* |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please donāt use words like ānorthwest.ā |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married? Feyonce. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| If robbers ever broke into my house searching for money, I would just laugh and search with them. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts! Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia! Hunger Games fans: Nope I`m good... |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| At the gym: Him: I really want to impress that hot chick over there, which machine should I use?! Me: The ATM. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| when you ask your mom a single question & she yells her response |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| That moment when Slapping your best friend when you are excited about something. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| We all know someone who desperately needs a haircut. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Bringing your pet over to a mirror and being like "That`s you." |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I went out with a girl who`s a dentist last night. She said she had a great time and would like to see me again in about six months. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I`ve been told I have a face for photoshop. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Facebook account is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I think it`s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they`re scared. I`m like... you idiot, that`s the first place monsters go! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Boss: We need you to do a drug test... Me: Great! Which drugs am I testing? |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teen girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Never give up on your dreams! Keep sleeping. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I almost when to jail today... #Monopoly gets so intense. :O |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out" |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| What`s the difference between you and a calendar? ..A calendar has dates. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| My room isn`t dirty, I just have everything on display. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, WHEREVER I WANT. .. As long as my mom says it`s ok... |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I`m rebooting my life; Ctrl+Alt+Vodka . |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she`s wasting a great opportunity |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| "Did you get a haircut?" "No, I got into a fight with the lawnmower and the lawnmower won." |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| When I cross a one way road, I still look both ways. Just in case there are any women driving. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Cops never say "Thank you for committing a crime and keeping us employed," selfish bastards! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| hey can you please never talk to me again its for a school project |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| 12 years of school and I`m still not sure if it`s āgreyā or āgrayā |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Me: Hey close the door. Parent: *leaves door open 2 centimeters* Me: *dying whale noise* |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Whoever said "money doesnt grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| True friends don`t judge each other. They judge other people together. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Getting caught in one of those, "It`s not what it looks like" moments. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn`t any." Me: I know! That`s how far behind I am |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I forgot to turn off my SWAG before I went to sleep yesterday. I woke up homeless and working at McDonalds. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Scientists say the world is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I want to steal a doughnut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a doughnut truck on the news. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| `Mom, can we go to McDonalds?" "there`s food in the fridge." "That`s not what I asked... |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace, how many bedrooms would your mansion have? |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| "Was that lightning?" Nooo... they`re taking pictures for google earth. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Nothings more frightening than flushing the toilet and see the water rise till the top. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Facebook status: "I`m done with this shit!" Me: "Did you wipe?" |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| White girls will dance with anybody in the club. black girls don`t play they`ll flash their cell phone in your face to see what you look like :) |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd one`s for you! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Your parents payed your iPhone, MacBook and bought you car? And they`re paying for your school? Please, tell me how hard your life is. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I bet our entire universe is just in a tiny glass jar placed neatly on a shelf in an alien child`s room as a science project he got a C- on. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| When I was kid I always wanted a tree-house. ....who am I kidding? I still want one! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Saying you`ll wake up EARLY to get something done... then when you wake up, convincing yourself it`s not important.. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| that embarrassing moment when you realize that person wasn`t waving at you |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Boy: My Father`s name is LAUGHING and my Mother`s name is SMILING. Teacher: You must be Kidding? Boy: No, that`s my brother. I am JOKING |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| You can`t make somebody love you... You can only stalk them and hope for the best. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Me jealous of you? Sweet Jesus, Bless your delusional heart. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| If at first you don`t succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| Just drove by a treehouse with a sign saying āGirls Allowed.ā I`m curious to see how the treehouse community handles this paradigm shift. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| A Mosquito landed on my friend`s face.... Easiest decision of my life! |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| In alcoholās defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober too. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 4 or 5 times, just to be sure. |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| *texts back 3 weeks later* sorry I fell asleep |
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Funny StatusĀ |
| If I see an Apple store getting robbed, does that make me an iWitness? |
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